shattering all the windows

that year, i lived in an apartment that was too much like
Big, but empty
nothing worked. fuses blew and needed to be unscrewed
and replaced. the radiators leaked
so it was cold all winter and the oven
gave up in October. i didn’t know it
at the time, but my landlord was caught laundering
drug money and also, i
was depressed

that’s why i was so skinny then
when we met
so skinny and depressed
oblivious to it all.
he came over to bake cookies once
right before the oven crapped out. now
i’ve an underweared man
in the kitchen
take out pizza with extra ranch because who cares
and other married


there was once a love that cut so deep
it wove into my soul
and when the spring came weeping
it flowed and flowed and flowed

the stems sprung up, almost at once
have you seen the bloom in May?
the paths were blazed and well worn when
they lead you straight to me


i saw the comedians between shows
       there were these circus dogs, once
sitting at the bar
       locked back in their cages
drinks in hand
       eyes downcast and listless
‘hey, i really enjoyed the show’
      cos how it is when no one’s looking is all there is, isn’t it?


one day we’ll try to throw kids
into the mix, that hope, that wonder
when i saw a boy, six or seven, struggling
to put on his jacket, talking softly to his dad and i thought
Wow, what if we had a son

What if he was soft spoken, clever like his dad
had his eyes and his disposition and patience
really all he’d need from me is
my hair, if he was a she, cos like i told you the night
we met, you have crunchy hair
it’s nice, but not for a girl, she’d be poofier than My Big Fat Greek Wedding
that i knew as i patted your head at the bar
that night, i thought What a man
i’ve found

if not for you

if not for you i’d never lift the dark cloak
that hangs heavy on my shoulders
there’d be no ladder leaning
from the holes that i dig and i’d sit
at the bottom, rotting like food
forgotten in the fridge

if not for you, there’d be no hand
to lead me back inside
if not you, no one knows how to flick back on
the light